On Losing your Mojo

It’s all about your mojo, baby, yeah!

All Austin Powers aside, I believe very much in a world run by mojo. Mojo is a unique and powerful thing – there are things you have more mojo for than others. There are things that doing them seems to refill your mojo (even for other things), and there are times when your mojo is drained completely. I’m also a big believer in “if it feels good do it”, and if doesn’t feel good then don’t. Obviously, some adulting comes into play (doing laundry does not feel good to me, but I was out of underwear, so I did it today) … but generally when I look at the pleasurable things in life I only do what I want when I want it, and give myself lots of options in case I want to do something different or new.

So I’m talking about this today because there has been a huge upheaval in my personal life. And while I’m not at a place where I’m ready to say exactly what has happened just yet, what I can say is that my entire world has been turned upside down. Basically everything I knew and understood of my world has stopped … and suddenly I am faced with having to forge an entire new reality. That is a daunting feeling, and one most people are never really prepared for … I sure as hell wasn’t. And its effects have been felt in every part of my life.

I’ve spent the last two weeks telling a lot of people that everything is okay or that I’m fine. There are people who know what is happening, but generally I’ve kept it private, and probably will for some time. I’ve gone to work like nothing is different, I’ve gone to my bowling league like nothing is different, and I’ve sat around with people I call friends and not said a thing. I’ve smiled, I’ve laughed, and unless I’ve personally told you what has happened … you can’t tell anything is amiss. Except at home – I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to clean, I don’t want to knit. I’ve lost a lot of my mojo.

In the Before Time, when I was mostly knitting just for myself, a loss of knitting mojo was sad but not necessarily problematic. The only person who wasn’t getting a finished item was myself. But now I’m taking on commissions. I have a pile of yarn that needs to be turned into a finished object before I leave for my family holidays. I have just a couple of weeks to do it. So losing my mojo for two weeks, unable to pick up my needles and not wanting to put the effort into crafting is devastating. And it’s frustrating, since I know how good knitting can make me feel, and how keeping my hand busy helps with the constant anxiety I’ve been feeling. And still … the idea of picking up the sticks was just not an option for me. I wanted nothing to do with them, and looked for other forms of distraction as I gave my mojo time to reset itself.

It’s not back in full. Picking up my current project took hours today. But I made a promise to someone, I made a commitment, and I gave them my word. Those are things I pride myself on, and while I know that there would be much understanding for me … I’ve not let someone down with my knitting yet, and I’m not about to start. In forcing myself to pick up my needles I felt a bit of joy in being able to knit, despite having no desire to do it. I know that each stitch, each inch, I’m closer to finishing this project. Then I can start another, and another, and soon my commissions will be done, and then maybe I can take a break. Maybe I can scale it back a bit, or give myself more leeway when taking on new projects.

There is a very rocky road ahead of me as I forge an entire new reality. This is not something I’m excited about doing, but life doesn’t always go the way we want, but it still goes. I can roll with the punches and take charge, or I can let it consume me. It’s okay to be consumed every once in awhile, but at least I’ll be warm in handknits when it happens.

One thought on “On Losing your Mojo

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