You’ve probably noticed that I haven’t written in awhile. And, if you follow my other social media platforms (like facebook or instagram) you may have noticed the occasion picture but really not much else. There are reasons, but it’s a bit hard to explain. So stick with me, we’ll try to figure this out.
I’m not shy about talking about some of the things I live with or am going through. I don’t necessarily need to rhyme them all off, but suffice to say that sometimes even when they seem and feel manageable to me there is something lingering under the surface, or it is affecting me in other ways. On paper, my life has been going as well as well can be – work, social functions, overcoming major obstacles and challenges that have presented themselves … and really, if you had asked me (or did ask me) over the last 6-ish weeks, I’ve been pretty decent. I wouldn’t describe myself as depressed, or sad, or overly anxious … but perhaps the truth was some of those things were partially true.
So while I’ve felt good, and at times happy about life, my crafting mojo continued to slide. I crafted a bit, but not a ton. I didn’t really feel like putting the effort into maintaining my social sites … and after a couple of weeks of this, at the beginning of March, the decision had to be made. Was I going to force myself to keep doing this, even though I didn’t feel I had the energy for it? Was I going to shut everything down … maybe not call it a failure, but just call it a “not right now”? Or could I take an Option C, a combo of the two … this is not a failure, but I could not have foreseen things that have happened … and maybe I should just take some time until I felt well enough to want to do this and pick it up again.
So here we are. I took time off, not really setting a date or pressure on when I wanted to come back, and just let March be March. I still shared pictures because the yarn was still coming in, but I wasn’t crafting as much, I was putting my energies into something else just as important, and I was confident that I did the right thing.
That confidence and faith in myself hasn’t changed.
What did change was giving myself permission to let go of what wasn’t working. It wasn’t that they never worked, it was just that their served purpose was over, or they weren’t working right now. I took up things that I hadn’t before – things I wanted to add to my life that I kept putting off, but now was the right time to bring them to the light.
I don’t want to put a huge label on that says “I’M BACK, BABY” … but I will post a small sticker that says the effort is slowly returning. I want to be here more, I want to talk more about mental health and knitting. I want to share my stories and journeys because it’s good for me, and maybe you like reading it (I mean, my life is kinda crazy and random, and [not to toot my own horn] a bit interesting). But maybe most importantly, somehow this comes across the path of someone who is where I was, going through something I did, actually seeing that it could get better. I will never ever ever tell you that just because I did that means you can do it too (because I hate that idea – we’re all different, with different experiences, abilities, lives) … so just because circumstances aligned for me to process/handle/experience things doesn’t mean it will go the same for you … but maybe I can share the things that helped me. Maybe I could point you in a direction that took me longer to find, or that I found too late. Or maybe this finds someone who just needs to know they’re not alone. Someone gets it, even if the experience isn’t completely the same. And there are a lot of things I get, folks. Like I said, interesting sporadic random life.
So now that I’ve done the thing and explained why I was gone for a bit, here is the cliffnotes version of what has happened since I’ve been gone.
– I cleared a major monkey-on-my-back thing out of my life with my tax refund and felt wonderful to finally be free of it
– I got a bunch of great yarn (I’m sure you’ve seen the pictures on instagram, they’re all there)
– I got a DISHWASHER (life changer!) and a new kitchen table for my dining room that isn’t a cheap poker table from Walmart
– I bowled a 390 (well, it was a 3-6-9 No Tap, but I loved seeing that number in the 10th frame beside my name)
– I HOSTED A DINNER PARTY, which as you might suspect, is huge for someone in recovery for an eating disorder. My wonderful friends let me plan the whole thing (so I could help in recovery and be assured that I would actually eat the foods) and aside from a few minor things it went off perfectly.
– I did my first multi-kilometer race of the season (a 4km “Hockey Trot”), and I’m signed up for/have plans to do at least 3 more this year (though I would love one every month if I could swing it)
– THE TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS MADE THE PLAYOFFS. Important as I’ve been spouting my conspiracy theory for years (joking) and now it MIGHT ACTUALLY HAPPEN (no foolin’ folks)