“That’s why everything, every last little thing
Every single tiny microscopic thing must go …
According to plan!”
I’m a planner. If you know me in any capacity then you know I constantly have a plan, am making a plan, working on the back-up plan … my mind works in plans. Whenever something comes up – a new knitting project, a new thing at work, plans with friends, parties, going home to visit family … literally every scenario that you can imagine, the moment I know about it my mind is already working on a plan. I’m already thinking it through, how things might go, how things should work, what are my options when things go wrong. Generally, I am the most prepared person around and can account for most things.
So as I come up on having this “thing” going – my knitting social media presence – for a full year, I need to make peace with the fact that something happened I did not plan for. Now, to my credit, no one necessarily “plans” for big life changing things. They just seem to happen and everyone scrambles. And so, for awhile, I was kicking myself for not having a plan … not necessarily the “life changing event” plan, but that I didn’t consider that something would happen and I couldn’t devote myself to this like I wanted to. That something would happen that would zap my knitting mojo to zero. That something could occur that would force me to put everything on a back burner to just survive.
Now you’re probably saying … “Jenn … who the hell plans for life to go sideways when they’re starting new adventures?“. Honestly … I do. Or, well, I did. Like I said above, I’ve got plans about making plans. My mind constantly moves and thinks in planning. I’ve had plans about what life should be like, what I would be doing at any given age, careers I wanted, adventures I wanted to live … I’ve basically planned it all, watched a lot of it not work out the way I planned, and then made a new plan based on the path I was on at the time. I’ve had plans to make plans about things.
So obviously, this year did not go according to plan – both life and this social media adventure. And I know I still need to figure out a basic plan for my online presence, but I’m trying to shy away from making concrete long term plans … or, at least I’m trying to give myself permission to not do the thing. What I’ve learned in the last year is that I was putting a lot of pressure on myself (or letting others convince me to assume pressure, etc) to always have a plan for me/them/us, and once I let some of that go (aka: just survive the day, deal with it tomorrow if you want to) I learned more about myself. What I liked about living like this, what I didn’t. That I feel better with a plan but that I can’t worry about making plans for anyone else. I can’t account for every last little thing, and trying to do so will make me sick.
So what are the plans for right now – for this blog, trying to write a bit more, about knitting, about life, about whatever – but not a strict schedule like I first gave myself, so I won’t feel guilt if I have nothing to write about. I’ll write when I have something I need/want to say. For knitting I’m looking ahead just a few months at a time – basically, a term in the Harry Potter Knit & Crochet House Cup, since this gives me a way to plan for larger projects and budget some time … but again, letting go of stricter deadlines … the world will not end if I’m late on delivering a knitted gift. And as for everything else, only looking as far ahead as I need to. Honestly, the furthest my planning is going right now is mid-October, when I’m hosting a dinner party. And truthfully, the planning is only in my head as I mull ideas over … nothing is concrete yet. Oh, and I might see an opera in February. That’s as far as I got.
So I’m planning to not plan so much, or at least try to. Today I plan on knitting on a blanket for Mom. Tomorrow I plan to go to work and bowling. We’ll see what life brings after that.