For Granted

It’s a funny thing about blogging, about writing down and sharing parts of your life. Sometimes there is a ton to write about, sometimes there is nothing to write about, but most time there exists the ho-hum: that weird space in the middle where you could write about something, but is it really worth it … or I want to share a bunch of things that feel like they’re really exciting, but maybe not to anyone else but me.

This is where my head has been for the last few weeks. There has been a ton of things that have happened, but I wonder if anyone else will really find them just as interesting. I cycle back to my thought of writing more in November due to NaNoWriMo, and how that fell to the wayside, and I should come back to the blog and write something and, and, and …

And truthfully, life has been a good mix of both. I have some really exciting things to share but otherwise my life, to most, might seem mundane. The last month, to me, has been incredibly full of some wonderfully deep emotions, and I don’t know if I can adequately express all of it, but this all has a point I promise.

Some of the good:
Probably the best news of all … we got a cat. In a (brief) history of me … cats have been in my family most of my life, and at the time I moved out my folks had two. I’ve been wanting a cat since, basically, my first year on my own but for XYZ reasons talked myself out of it, or it not being the right time, etc etc blah blah blah. Very early in our relationship BF and I talked pets and specifically cats and I knew it was a when more than an if. A bunch of things good and bad happened all at once in October and I couldn’t stop myself from looking at the Humane Society’s website, being drawn explicitly to black cats. Finally I brought up to BF that I wanted to go look, and I was prepared to pay all sorts of costs if I fell for one (the one I’d been eyeing on the site for a few weeks). We went to look at cats, but one in particular, it was utter love at first sight, and we got to bring her home a couple of days later. Our cat is a bit special … she has a neurological disorder. As far as we can tell it doesn’t affect her much at all, except that her head is tilted to one side. It gives her a very quizzical look when she’s staring us down in the hallway … but otherwise she is a delightful kitty who makes my heart burst. Her name is Owl (named for the bird that tilts its head the way she does), and the last month with her has been everything I could have asked for. Her birthday is on Wednesday, and she likes toys that make noise ^_~

Second was attending a bridal shower for a very dear friend, accompanied by another dear friend, which up until a week before I didn’t know I would be able to go. Thankfully my passport came through and I was able to go to the states for the first time in years to celebrate with some people I love and treasure the most. I went to a restaurant that I might have shaken my head at years ago, but I was able to find something off the menu that I absolutely adored, and I had an amazing though short time visiting.

And a recent development I have yet to share with anyone … this weekend I’ll be bowling to qualify for the Ontario Open, a tournament which will be played in Ottawa in April. Details are still forming, and while I know my chances to go are almost guaranteed, I’m still being cautiously optimistic that it will (a) all come together and (b) I actually survive the qualifying which will be brutal on my body.

But life has not been all peaches and creams … there are some struggles in all areas because, well it’s me … bet big or go home. I’m still stuck on motivating myself (and I should probably go back to that entry on motivation I started two months ago), but this weekend the notion of taking things and been taken for granted hit me like a ton of bricks, which has left me trying to reframe my way of thinking and hopefully light a fire to keep things going.

Last weekend, if I can say so myself, was utterly perfect.  Amazing company, a solid mix of responsible chores and doing whatever we wanted. We watched well done movies that might have made us a bit ragey at time. We had a great day-date-date on Saturday, a mostly lazy and relaxing Sunday, and I spent the whole time being reminded of why I fell in love with him and falling over and over again. But there was a moment, a nothing throw-away of a moment on Sunday night … where I was on my side of the couch, overheating for some weird reason, and he was on his side of the couch beside the window he opened for me, with Owl snoozing peacefully behind him as we both played video games … and I felt both utterly at peace with my (new-ish) family and absolutely terrified I was taking them (and myself, and our relationship) for granted. The moment passed as quickly as it came, and I did my best to put it out of my mind for the rest of the night (wine definitely helped) … but there it was when I woke up, and on my way to work, and here and there throughout my work day. And I can’t shake this feeling that both everything is absolutely perfect and I’m not doing enough … and who can possibly make sense of that?

I think I understand the base of the feelings … I feel loved, cherished, appreciated in my relationship, and feel comfortable with this person in my space in a way I’ve never really experienced before (since previous relationships the person being in my space was always temporary), so on one side I’m living through all these first-time things and feeling really good about them … and, at the same time, trying to make sense of all these “make yourself better” feelings, dissecting whether I want to do them for me or if I’m feeling obligated somehow, and how to actually go about make changes that will be positive and stick.

I believe a lot of these feelings might stem from previous life experiences and being with someone who understands those. It feels like I’m getting a fresh start on a lot of things in life and I don’t want to mess it up. Future plans are being talked about, and I’m getting excited for those, but being cautiously optimistic again because I’ve already had the experience of watching dreams go up in flames. I’m still getting used to someone who wants to help take care of me, wants to watch me grow as a person, learning to trust again … I don’t want to take him for granted or being taken myself. And knowing there is no way to know, having to put that blind faith out there … I find myself opening up again, bit by bit.

So basically we have a blog entry to tell you that stuff happened, overthinking continues to happen, and to show you pictures of my cat. Have a picture of me and BF for good measure. We’re kinda adorable.

Holiday Train 11_30_18

~ J

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