The Unplannable

In recovery, like everything else, a solitary event can change your path or course. Both good and bad, it is something you might only notice in hindsight. The last 6 weeks have been like that; as I read back to see what my last few entries were on, knowing how things have occurred, it’s curious to see where I wanted to go then and where I want to go now. But let’s rewind a bit and catch up with life before we delve into today’s topic.

At the time I wrote that last entry I left out admitting that BF and I had been quietly hunting new places to live. We had a plan about where we wanted our lives to go and our currently home was not included in that plan. We wanted to expand to a bigger space, something with at least two bedrooms, a place we could call ours with room to grow. The first place we saw, while absolutely adorable and cute, had small small small bedrooms and we decided it wasn’t for us. We poured over numerous ads on multiple sites before we came across a possible. Two bedrooms, two stories, on the upper limit of our budget (but we knew any home that wasn’t an apartment would be). After making an appointment to see it BF was smitten! I was still on the fence, but I could see the excitement in his eyes and agreed to put in an application. After that meeting we talked … as the constant planner I was always looking ahead and trying to make sense of our next best plans. I conceded that maybe this wasn’t the right time to look, that perhaps as frustrating as our housing situation was, we had a home for right now at an insanely affordable rate. After much discussion we agreed that if we didn’t hear back on this new place, we would hold off our search until the end of summer. Imagine our surprise when a week later we got the call that the place was ours if we wanted with a slight compromise. We decided to take it! On our second walk through to sign the lease I saw it with new eyes and could see why BF was excited for it. Two weeks after that we moved in – less than a month after we first saw it. Pulling off a move like that definitely tested me; my first move as an adult (and not out of my parent’s home). We have been in our new place for about 10 days now … and it already feels like the perfect home for us.

And with moving in it locked in the last piece I said needed to be in place before I would consider “family planning”. If this is the first time you’re hearing about me wanting a kid at all, let alone wanting to consider it in the next year: Firstly, my sincere apologies for not being able to tell everyone one-on-one. Secondly, I have barely told anyone and have only been letting it slip out bit by bit in the last few months since this has been the first time in my life I felt it could be a possibility. My not telling anyone is more wanting to keep the desire private as to avoid awkward questions and hide the hurt I was already going through. Thirdly, I am just entering the pre-pre-planning stages, that is, considering that this is something I could do; no firm decisions have been made, no concrete plans are in the works. While I haven’t talked a ton about this side I realized that in the vein of this blog and where I might want it to go being upfront and honest is vital, so here it goes:

Like I mentioned in my last blog entry I’ve had dreams of being a parent for a long time. The short version is that I had no real inclinations to want children until I turned 29, and it was like a switch went off. 2 years later it blew up in my face with my separation – I thought my entire life plan was over. As I picked up and built my life again I resigned that it was something I would like, but I was willing to accept it might not happen. Upon meeting BF we had the initial conversation within the first few months, confirming we were on the same page with having a child. We knew it was something we both wanted but we weren’t rushing into it. Truthfully, part of that was him losing his job last November. Had that not happened we might be further in the process. I still feel that sometimes things happen for a reason, and I think we’re more prepared as a couple now than we might have been 6 months ago. Another part is my anxiety disorder, and my tendency to try to wait for the utmost right circumstances. I kept adding things to my list of what needs to happen before I would consider it … and I’ve run out of things to really add to that list. If I am waiting for a perfect set of circumstances I’ll be waiting forever. This is important to me, and important to BF, and I can’t keep saying I need to wait until I’m “more” ready. What does that look like? Does it even exist? If I’m not sure what it is how will I know when I get there? Sometimes you just need to take the jump.

So where does that put us now? Planning for the Unplannable. Trying our best to navigate the water of preparing for something we can only have some semblance of an idea of what we’ll be heading into. Right now we are still in prepping and pre-planning stages. Right now I’m doing a lot of research online and having many anxiety spikes as I do. Right now I’m trying to find any information on navigating a changing body and my recovery. Right now I’m flipping between OMG EXCITE over something I’ve wanted for so long, absolutely terrified that I might finally get to try to do this, and being hit with the realization that not only am I making a life-changing choice for myself, but for two other people (one who doesn’t even exist yet).

As for the direction of the blog I absolutely want to explore this topic. Through my week of research I found a lot of stuff about plus sized women trying to get pregnant, but very few things about eating disorder recovery and pregnancy (for a casual search of topics anyways). At the same time I’m a fairly private person (I know, ironic for a blog writer) and though I’ve shared a lot I keep a lot of myself to myself. Putting any of this out there right now is a big deal … mostly because I was never sure how to talk about it. I wasn’t sure what people would think. I was worried what they would think of me (I’m human, and we all have these fears sometimes). So for this blog, in my mind I see myself writing on some of my excitements and fears leading up to getting pregnant, and then talking about maintaining recovery in an ever-changing body afterwards.

It is very scary to put something so personal out into the world, but I’m going to do it. Wish me luck!
~ J

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