Ketchup? Catch Up.

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The last time I was here it had just rolled into summer – long days and hot nights, and my body was so ready. Best laid plans and all. I was unprepared for what was coming at me – a very stressful summer at work, and some medical concerns that I could not answer. Navigating the waters of “is something wrong with me?” is fraught with emotions at the best of times, so the summer was a full rollercoaster of highs and lows when things went right and suddenly it felt things went wrong. Part of those issues did resolve, but we’re on to a new part now and I’m still not entirely ready to talk about it. There is much anxiety, much worry, much hope and it’s a weird awkward complicated thing. As far as work goes … it’s just the run-up to September, the busiest time of year in my field. I found myself ill-prepared to handle so much on my own (again) and struggled through the workload and my health concerns.

I got through that as well as I could as summer turned to fall and work balanced out a bit more, health concerns still fluctuating. November easily became the worst month out of the year for me (though, if these are the worst things that happen to me all year I know how fortunate I am) … but at the beginning of the month BF’s work contract ended, and we started another round of trying to find work in our city in November, in a city with one of the highest unemployment rates in the country. Even more frightening our home was broken into mid-November, while we were sleeping. On the one hand the fact that I was awake and moving around in bed probably stopped more things from being taken, and our cat was able to alert us that something was wrong quite quickly. There was a very surreal moment, when we realized someone had attempted to break in, and we’re in the living room/dining room waiting for a call-back after calling 911 … and I realized that something had been taken. That moment when it went from “someone tried to get in” to “someone was definitely in our home”. As you can imagine we’re still dealing with some effects from that night. We spent a significant amount of money adding more deterrents to our home; while both of us have been home alone at some point during the day, neither of us have been alone at night since it happened; and while we’re feeling as safe and secure as we can there are still nights when we don’t sleep well, where any unusual noise causes moments of panic (and the occasional trip downstairs to confirm all is well).

In the end I’m glad I had someone to lean on through all of this. Someone I can be vulnerable with (something I struggle with), someone supports me as I support him. I’ve had a pretty level-headed response to all that has happened in the last few months (or so says my therapist, who was quite impressed with how I’m dealing with it on top of the concerns I originally sought them out for). November gives way to December and I’m happy to say that I’m happy. Through all the tough times the last few months I am still finding joy and happiness in life – looking on the bright side, enjoying my Christmas cheer, looking forward to up-coming things. This past weekend I got to spend some time with my parents, who made the long trek west for a visit when I found out I would not have enough time off to visit them over the holidays. I’m starting to want to be slightly more social than I have in years. BF’s family is having a Christmas gathering at Christmas, so I am actually anticipating spending time with my new family, getting to know them better, and enjoying the season with loved ones. Even more so I think I’m looking forward to the new year. As I’ve stated before I like new beginnings, even if it’s the illusion of one. It’s a new year and a new decade and it seems brimming with promise.

I think this is all to say that despite some difficult times that have kept me from writing (more feeling uninspired than unmotivated) I’m feeling optimistic, perhaps the first time it’s happened on such a consistent basis for me. I’m feeling excited and hopeful and just delighted with how my life has turned out, considering that just a few short years ago I thought it was basically over. It goes to show me that you can’t count someone down and out, that people need to come back to their own in their own time … and given space they just might. I am more in love with the person I am now than I have been in awhile, and it’s because I finally started living for myself and no one else. There is still work to be done, healing to go through, changes to be made … I decide what’s worth it and wasn’t isn’t.

And that’s the delicious ketchup … err, catch up.
~ J

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