I finally get to share some news I’ve been holding on to for months …
I’ve been wanting to write about this since I found out in September. There’s so much I want to say, so trying to pick and choose the best or most important parts is hard.
Firstly, perfectly planned but still a surprise. Some unusual health occurrences throughout the summer meant I was certain nothing was working the way it should be. I had actually sought out my gynecologist for referrals, which were meant to start later in September, when we got the positive pregnancy test. We’re due near the end of May.
I thought that keeping the secret would be easy, but it was surprisingly difficult at times. A personal experience in my 20s meant I knew that telling parents ourselves, and in person if possible, was my preferred way to go. That was massively complicated by my living some 400+km from my parents, and BF’s mom living on the other side of the world. We knew we’d get a chance to tell around Christmas, but it meant having to hold this from mid-September until almost-end-of-December and it was so tempting to just call and say on more than one occasion. As it worked out, I got a chance to tell my parents in October – earlier than intended, but still in person; and BF’s mom in person at a private dinner between the 3 of us. We filled in family/friends who we felt should be told outside of social media throughout the Christmas holiday and I truly felt relief to post it on social media on New Years Day, no longer having to hold the secret close to the chest.
Despite my extensive reading and researching nothing prepared me for what actual pregnancy has been like. The first few months of worry, panic, nausea, excitement, anxiety. I tried to avoid Dr. Google, but the list of what you can/can’t do/take is long, everyone has an opinion, and trying to make the best decisions possible is harder than it sounds. I’ve mostly trusted my gut, sprinkled in with advice from those whose opinions I value, and this seems to have served me well. Reaching 20 weeks was a huge sigh of relief, though breathing easy I am not. It’s suddenly very real, very soon, very big. As a friend recently commented “how are you already half way done? Didn’t you just get pregnant?” It sure does feel like it!
We’re supposedly in the “babymoon” phase, that is … the best and most enjoyable trimester of the pregnancy. I’m not buying it. My mood swings are minimal (thankfully) but I find myself tired and sore all. the. time. We already have a “time of night” (usually between 8:15 and 8:30) where sitting on the couch is no longer comfortable and I slide to the floor for relief. If it doesn’t work (and something isn’t keeping me glued to the tv) by 9 I’m headed upstairs for a soak in the tub in hoping for enough pain relief to sleep. And sleep! I’ve had to give up my sleeping meds because it’s been so hit or miss … I can either sleep all night with no problem or I’m up every hour. I’m lucky if I can keep my eyes open past 9 most nights.
Though really, the most difficult and lonely part of it thus far has been trying to maintain some semblance of ED recovery. In the first few months all of my rules and rituals and habits regarding food and meals and eating had to go right out the window. It became a matter of eating what I could when I could to keep going, and doing my best not to judge myself for just getting by. It’s been finding the right cocktail of vitamins to make up for what I’m lacking in a diet where I haven’t actually added any new foods, but I’ve lost a few key ones due to sensitivities (I’m looking at you Chicken Stir Fry that I haven’t been able to eat since September). I’m only really just now, in month five, realizing that I might be able to get back to some order of half-way decent eating before it all goes to hell again in a few months time. And while I’m at the age where I know a ton of amazing and wonderful women who have walked this road to motherhood … I don’t know a single person who has done it while fighting for recovery. I can’t tell you how many dark days there have been as I walk the steps to a fast food place, telling myself that eating something is better than eating nothing and that tomorrow I’ll try again to be better. Except now there is someone else I need to be better for, not just me. That before my self-destructive behaviours only affected myself, but now there is someone else who needs me to be brave and strong and fight harder to take care of both of us. It is a very difficult road to walk and some days are easier; some days I can push out the negative self-talk and focus on the happiness and joy that I am feeling at this development in my life. Some days I can’t. But each day I try, as much as I can, to be the best I can be … for both of us.
So this is my big secret, the only thing I’ve wanted to talk about for months which is the reason for my unintentional break from blogging. Hopefully now that it’s all out in the open I can write a bit more and maybe learn a bit more about this crazy insane wonderful process.