In mid-December my work office got an upgrade – matching desk and bookshelf! No more mis-matched grey pieces for me … no no. Bigger desk, more organized shelving, and a perfect space for some knickknacks. Obviously I brought a couple of Funko Pops! from home to keep me company, and I have this lovely photo of BF and I that he got me for my birthday. The box is full of random positivity sayings, meant to brighten your day … I won it at our worker’s appreciation night in November. It has 60 saying, including “It doesn’t matter if the glass is half empty or half full … there’s clearly more room for wine”, and I’ve enjoyed changing it every few days to the delight of my co-workers. This current saying came up at the beginning of January, and we had a very hearty laugh over it. Each day someone would come into my office and spot it, chuckle at the idea and point out some insane thing coming up soon that makes it quite laughable. At work we’re about to enter our second busy season of the year, with a task that absolutely must be completed during the shortest month of the year, and the whole thing is usually quite amusing.
Except the last week it’s been harder and harder to look at this saying. What once felt like a funny overview of life has become a pessimistic nightmare. The last week has been trying, to say the least – complex emotions, I’m in my head about a bunch of stuff (some of it jerkbrain, some of it residual trauma from an ex-partner). I got some bad news at work on Monday, and some disheartening news on Thursday. I’m feeling a bit defeated. I’m struggling with being pregnant (I’m still waiting for the “I love being pregnant” part of it), I’m trying to keep my head above water, and as excited as I am about becoming a mom I’m also realistic about the long hours and hard work and the sacrifices to come. So is this feeling that I’m experiencing right now … is it as good as it gets? Am I always going to live on the bubble of fleeting happiness and crushing reality?
The obvious answer is no. Because I’ve been here before. I’ve been at my own personal rock bottom, and this doesn’t feel the same. There is a glimmer of hope … but it’s far off, and it feels a bit fleeting, but it’s there. I know I will survive because I always have. I have picked myself up and dusted myself off and continued forward, both willingly and because it was the only option available to me. I know that tomorrow is a new day, good news could be just around the corner, and life can turn around on a dime. But you can’t count on that. I know I can’t just wish and hope my way into the future I want, and now there will be soon be someone else depending on me, someone who can’t fend for themselves. I need to have a plan because that’s what they need and deserve.
So maybe right now it doesn’t get any better than this … this is what I got and this is what I need to work with.
It’s not perfect.
It’s not ideal.
It’s not how I envisioned this year going.
But I am still doing good. I am still managing – struggling, yes, but managing.
I still have a reason to get up each day.
I still have a reason to fight – for myself, for my family, for my future.
I’ll need to make a plan. A real honest-to-God budget. Figure out what’s important, what I can sacrifice. Find a way to ask for a bit more help. I’m great at blogging thoughts, not so great at just sharing them in person. I’m great at dropping everything for someone in need, not so great at seeing that my needs are just as important. I’m great at going above and beyond, just not for myself.
This not rock bottom, just a tumble down a hill. And it will get better.